Left To Centre

My existential wail from the other week came because I couldn't get to Warwick.  I don't think anyone's missed out on Warwick before and wondered if life is worth living; perhaps Charles I during the Civil War, but that's about it.  It was actually the second time I'd tried to visit the town and failed.  I'd booked a trip a couple of years ago and then, for reasons I can't remember - probably brain related - I'd not gone in the end.  But here I was, at Warwick Parkway, finally!

 

Totally worth it, I'm sure you'll agree.

Actually, I'm being unfair.  Warwick Parkway has a multi-storey car park, and I have, in recent years, become radicalised when it comes to multi-storey car parks.  I've become radicalised about quite a lot of things to do with urban planning, mainly since I wandered around the suburbs of Amsterdam and Stockholm.  It really underlined to me that things could actually be better.  Now I'm violently pro segregated cycle lanes (segregated with concrete barriers so they're a route all of their own, not a piddly bit of paint that everyone ignores), I'm vociferously for increased density and constructing apartment blocks and residences above retail premises, and I'm a strong advocate for multi-storey car parks.  If you must have hundreds of parking spaces somewhere - and you do actually need them in a lot of places - then why are we allowing acres and acres of good land to be taken up with concrete spaces, only half of which will get used most of the time?  More multi-storeys, that's the answer.  Less land, more parking, and actually more secure too because there's only one or two ways in or out so they can be better monitored.  In 2025, there is no excuse for Tesco to build a superstore surrounded by tarmac.  

Having said all that, Warwick Parkway wasn't actually built with decks of parking.  As you ride into the station from Birmingham you can see all the open air spaces it was originally given, spread either side of the road and now looking distinctly overgrown.  They still exist as overflow but now the mult-storey's there, right next to the station, nobody bothers with them.

It's not a looker, but it gets the job done, helping to spread the load from the tiny main Warwick station.  It also has a distinctive station totem which I'm afraid I'm going to file under "style over substance".  It's an interesting shape, but look how tiny the writing is for the station name; surely you could've spread it over two lines so it was more prominent?

I walked under the railway bridge, past the entrance to the unattractively named Stanks Farm, and to the edge of the village of Hampton Magna.  Those of us who've watched a lot of low-brow 1970s sitcoms will know that Hampton is Cockney rhyming slang (Hampton Wick = dick), and Hampton Magna sounds like a Latin teacher trying to boast about his attributes to the games mistress without letting on to the kids.

I'd had a choice of two ways into Warwick proper from Parkway station.  Heading north would've taken me to the Grand Union Canal, skirting the top of the town centre, while the southern route was across the fields and directly into Warwick.  I'd chosen the latter.  There's been enough towpath walks on this blog, to be frank, and it had been a while since I'd been for a proper walk in the country.  I fancied a hike across open land, taking in the sights and sounds.

I scaled a stile and followed a well-worn dog walker track between the agricultural land and the rear of the village houses.  The owners of the homes had split their back vistas into one of two categories.  Some enthusiastically enjoyed the wide open views of the fields, with low fences and balconies and terraces.  One had various road signs over the side fences, really embracing the "outdoor room" concept.  The other category were the security conscious, or perhaps, paranoid, who looked at that footpath as an easy way for burglars to get into their home to steal their Faberge eggs and bone china.  These people erected high fences, some with makeshift anti-intruder spikes on the top, and had thickets of thorny bushes between me and their back lawns.

The morning rain hadn't muddied the ground too much, enough to soften my walk a little, though there was also thick tough grass holding the path together.  At a division between acres, the path sank down.  One of the trees had fallen in a storm, covering the stile to the next field with a canopy of branches, creating a tiny nest.

I love these hollows in woods and forests, tucked away spaces you can hide in.  Aged eleven or twelve, my friends Sanjay and Neil and I would go to the fields near our house to our "base", a gap in the trees you slid down a slope to reach.  Thinking about it as an adult, it was clearly a generational space, subtly passed on from one group of adventuring children to the next, each of them thinking it was their secret.  We would hide out in there after school, doing nothing, talking, making "traps" that never worked, reveling in our tiny separate universe.  

One day we went there and found torn up pages from a porno magazine scattered across it - Actual Hedge Porn.  Dumped there by teenagers who probably moved in when we went to watch Neighbours and eat our dinner, it felt like a violation; our base wasn't the protected home we thought it was.  We cleared away the Hedge Porn (loudly expressing absolute disgust throughout; two of the three of us unsurprisingly turned out to be homosexuals) and tried to get on with things but it was never the same again.  Our sanctuary was ruined.  

(A few years later, we'd return to the same base as older teens with some cider and playing cards and spoiled it for whatever eleven year old was using it at that point.  Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose).

Warwick is bypassed by the busy A46, a dual carriageway that runs from the M40 to the M6 via Coventry.  It's unsurprisingly a busy through route and I wondered how my footpath would cross it.  The Ordnance Survey map had been vague about it, not showing a footbridge, so I assumed it would be an underpass.  I hoped it wasn't full of rubbish, or waterlogged.  I didn't fancy wading through inches of water.

I was in luck.  There wasn't an underpass.  There wasn't anything, in fact.

To get to the other side I was going to have to chuck myself across four lanes of traffic traveling at seventy miles an hour.  Memories of Frogger, and particularly, Frogger being squished under the wheels of an HGV, bounced around inside my head.  I hovered at the edge and then, spotting a break in the traffic, I made it across to the central reservation.  There wasn't a gap for pedestrians, so after an inelegant scramble (legs going higher than they have since my days in the can-can chorus line) I was on the other side and readying myself for another dash.  I mistimed this one, with one car going faster than I thought, and I practically jumped into the bushes on the far side.  A small yellow arrow on a post pointed the way forward, almost sarcastically I thought, a sort of and after all that effort, this is all you have to look forward to.

These were grazing areas, a metal feeding trough empty in the centre, the ground rough and untended.  The animals were presumably still in the sheds at this time of year, ready to be sent out with their newly-born young once the worst weather was behind them.

My main reason for picking this route over the canal path was this way took me over the racecourse.  The footpath carries you straight over the track, into the central island, and then back over the track again at the far side.  I liked the small, proletariat rebellion of walking on this privatised space, usually reserved for money.  It's like when I take a route across a golf course and enjoy the irritated looks from men in bad polo shirts for violating their links.

I'm not really sure how I feel about horse racing as a sport.  The Grand National is this week and Liverpool is in its usual excited state about the event.  I'm pretty sure one in every five items purchased on Merseyside in the next few days will be worn on Ladies' Day.  Watching a race, and placing a small bet, is exciting, and can be a fun afternoon out.

On the other hand, horses die in these races, and I'm not sure any animal should die for the amusement of humans.  Betting is a terrible scourge that has ruined lives, and having been on the train back from Chester during the Races, I can safely say that most of the people who attend do so mainly for the bar and not so much the thrill of the game.  It's tricky for me.  In my usual woolly way I have compromised by not betting on the Grand National or watching it but also not actively opposing it in any way.

The centre of the racecourse - the Lammas Field - was popular with joggers and dog walkers.  One man entered with an excitable spaniel who immediately ran off into the distance.  "Tiger!" yelled his owner.  "Tiger!  Tiger!  Tiger!".  There was no sign of the dog, who'd vanished into a copse, so he broke out a whistle and blew on it a few times.  Still no sign of the spaniel.  Finally, entirely of its own accord, he broke cover and ran back to his owner, who gave him a treat for eventually coming to heel.  I'm not sure anything was learnt that day.

Netting surrounded the very middle of the space, and signs told me this was to protect ground-nesting birds.  Apparently the Lammas Field was a popular spot for skylarks and zoning an area for them resulted in a significant rise in their numbers.  I have to admit I take a certain Darwinist perspective on this.  You're a skylark; you can literally fly.  Why on earth are you putting your precious young on the ground where there are thousands of predators?  Loads of other birds have managed to build their nests in trees and high spaces.  If you're so thick that you put your eggs in the way of foxes and cats and snakes then frankly, maybe you deserve to go extinct.  Still, judging by the noises emanating from behind the fencing, the plan was working.  The air was filled with the squeaks and squawks of hungry baby birds.

At the far side, three Asian tourists were excitedly watching a robot water the racetrack.  I ducked under the barriers and left, finally reaching the town itself.  Warwick is an extremely historic town, occupied continuously since Saxon times, so obviously I was excited to see an ancient relic preserved for everyone to enjoy.

Look at that gorgeous font!  It could do with a wipe down with some antibac, mind, but still, what a lovely little moment.  I walked up the hill to the West Gate, the traditional entry point to the town crowned with a chapel above.

 

 

The walkway is surprisingly deep, mainly because the chapel above, and really making you feel as though you are crossing into another era.  The 21st century is left behind; beyond is the past.

 

 

It's not as far back in time as you'd expect, however.  There was a fire in the town in 1694 which obliterated most of the buildings, and as a result, Warwick is far more early Georgian in its architecture than anything.  Wide symmetrically-fronted houses line the streets with sash windows and pillared entrances.

 

I headed for the Market Square, where a busker was plucking out Cavatina on his guitar.  Nice old ladies stood around having chats with baskets of shopping; expensive sports cars in discreet greys and blacks slid round the corner.  There were hairdressers and beauty salons, and I passed both the Masonic Lodge and the Conservative Club.  Anthony Eden was the Member of Parliament here for thirty years, and Warwick was Conservative throughout; tight, polite, moneyed.  A little repressed.

 

 

At the far end of the square the Shire Hall had been extended with a delightful 1960s frontage that I have no doubt is despised by the residents for being far too modern looking.  Like the Courage off-licence sign, I thought it was great, and I realised I was getting into that slightly chippy state of mind I get in historic places where I celebrate the new and ignore all the lovely ancient stuff.

 

I carried on, past a statue to the boxer Randolph Turpin, who I'd never heard of but who apparently had the nickname "Licker".  Do with that what you will.  The plaque on the statue recorded that he was Middleweight Champion of the World, 1951, and yes, that is a very short reign.  He got the title by beating Sugar Ray Robinson, but their contract specified that Robinson could have a return match if he lost, which he did two months later.  Turpin promptly lost.  

 

There's something very British about putting up a statue to someone whose notable sporting achievement was basically one match.  It's like lauding Scott of the Antarctic or the orchestra playing on the Titanic as it went down; victory isn't necessarily what we celebrate.  We cling to our heroes where we can get them.  (Incidentally Turpin's post-boxing life is quite depressing so I'd really recommend not reading up on it if you want to stay jolly).

 

 

I skirted the impressive St Mary's Church and its war memorial, past a plethora of expensive lifestyle shops (one called itself the little shop of lovely things), and I got my first sighting of Warwick's most famous landmark, the Castle.

 

Although it's medieval in origin, Warwick Castle's been a country house since the 17th century, and not much use as a defensive bulwark since then.  It looks properly Olde Worlde, though, which is why it was bought by the Tussauds group in the Seventies and is now run as a sort of Alton Towers With Dungeons.  The castle has falconry displays, reenactments, historic tours and a large working trebuchet.  It's Ye Grand Day Out For All Ye Family.

 

I didn't go in.  It's £39 admission on the day, reduced to £22 in advance (after my last couple of aborted trips I wasn't going to risk an advance ticket), and I am extremely cheap.  It also seems to be very much angled towards entertaining the kids, and I'm always afraid that if I go into that kind of place as a single man I'll be branded a paedophile and asked to leave by a uniformed security guard. 

 

Instead I looped back to the High Street, and from there to the Market Square again.  The busker was in the process of being moved on by a Police Community Support Officer.  He objected loudly in a strong Eastern European accent: "but what harm am I doing?  I am just making music!  People like it!"

The plastic policeman was unmoved.  "Busking is not allowed here," he repeated, over and over, nudging the man to wrap up his belongings faster.  Tory, I thought.  I headed indoors for a break.

For a while I sat and drank my lager, while a man at the next table went through the Only Fools and Horses box set he'd just bought from a charity shop, running through the contents to a silent wife ("There's no disc K!  No, wait, there it is.")  I felt like I'd seen enough of Warwick.  It was nice enough but hadn't captured me.  I was glad I'd visited, but didn't feel the urge to return.

 

 

I headed for the station through the dark trees of Priory Park.  A few spots of rain began to drop as I skirted its edges, passing under the railway and along a row of neat council houses.

 

The station itself was in the middle of an upgrade.  Lifts were being introduced between the platforms, meaning that the subway underneath was closed; it meant I ended up walking in an almost complete circle to try and get to the main building.  I dodged a lorry full of equipment and headed to the platform.

 

Warwick station does have an Attractive Local Feature board, of sorts.  I have to say it's probably the most pathetic one I've seen for a long time.  Would this make you leap off the train, filled with excitement at the prospect of visiting the Castle?

 

It's another reminder that I really don't like Chiltern Railways, once again for inverted snobbery reasons.  It's funny how quickly I turn into Citizen Smith when I'm among the moneyed set.  I was glad to be getting a train back to the People's Republic of Merseyside, where I belonged.  Not one of the common bits, mind.  I have standards.

 

The Howl

The plan today was to go and collect some stations.  It didn't happen.

You know the drill by now.  Points failure between Stafford and Wolverhampton.  Held outside the station.  Held on the platform.  Turfed off - this train is no longer in service.  Befuddlement, confusion, anxiety about what happens next.  Birmingham New Street on the destination board: TBC.  Apps unhelpful.  Onward connection in Birmingham lost.  Connection after that lost.  Train back to Liverpool manages to get through the scrum.  Head for that.  Arrive back at Lime Street three hours after I left.  Delay Repay completed on the train.  Nothing was achieved.

We all know the score because we've all been there.  I get it: stuff happens.  I've been very lucky on my travels around the UK.  I rarely get cancelled or delayed, and if I do, it's often resolvable.  Irritating but I can cope.

The thing is though, should I?  Should you?  Can't we have a railway that, you know, works?  It occurred to me that we have, over the decades, simply been informed that running a railway is dead hard and you're lucky to get one at all.  And we've all accepted that things are a bit shit and that's how it goes.  What are you going to do about it?

I sat on that train thinking about how everything is a bit shit now.  How Britain is tired and weary.  How British people are worn down.  We're being told, over and over, that yes, everything is a bit shit, but what can you do?  It's never enough to start a revolution, it's not enough to cause people to rise up; it's not runs on the pound and empty shelves and curfews and police states.  It's just a bit crap.  Yeah, alright, you can have a railway, but it'll be a little bit dirty and rattly and busy.  If we build a new one, it'll not go where we said it'll go, or we won't electrify it, or your new station will be concrete platforms and a bus shelter and that's it.  You can beg for new lines or stops or perhaps a tram line but you can't have one.  That's far too ambitious.  You can settle.  You can have a road, but it'll have some potholes in it and one lane coned off for some reason and it probably should've had a flyover instead of that hamburger roundabout that'll cause problems for thirty years.  You can have a bus, and it'll be a hybrid, but the fare will be too much, and it won't get cleaned often enough so the new livery will look permanently grubby.  You can have an aeroplane, but you need to get here three hours in advance because half the scanners aren't working and they're not the new ones so you've got to take your toiletries and your laptop out and nobody knows the rules and everyone behind the desk is tired and ratty and everyone in the queue is tired and ratty and that's before you get to passport control and have to queue for another eight hours while all those smug Schengen bastards wander by laughing and joking.

You can have a library but it'll only open two mornings a week.  You can have a park but it won't have flower beds because maintenance is expensive.  You can have a leisure centre but the swimming pool is closed indefinitely.  You can have litter bins but you can't have people collecting the litter so they'll get full and overflow.

You can have new houses but they'll be small and they won't have big gardens and you can't afford it anyway.  You can have a job but it'll be in an office because if you worked from home you'd only slope off, you workshy layabout.  You can have a benefit because you're disabled but first you need to be prodded and poked and analysed and quizzed and asked if you're really sure you've got Downs Syndrome and aren't just putting it on because you fancy buying dinner from the real supermarket and not the "oops!" aisle at Asda. 

You can have a government but they'll be varying degrees of awful.  You could vote for a smaller party but they won't get in and anyway they're all varying degrees of racist or mad.  You'll have to pay for anything you actually want, but also, we're not going to provide what you want.  You could come up with suggestions for how to sort this - progressive taxation and redistribution of wealth and spending money on infrastructure and redevelopment and regeneration and making life actually better for the citizens - but that's not going to happen.

You see, everything's a bit shit.  That's your life now as a British citizen.  Huddle down, wrap your coat round you, get through the day.  And the next one.  And the next one.  Because it's never getting better and you're an idiot for wanting better.  Everything's a bit shit.

VirtuALFs

I went to the hygienist the other day, which I always hate.  Not because I have bad teeth.  I actually have very good teeth; they may be wonky, but there isn't a single filling and I only have to see the proper dentist every couple of years for an x-ray he charges me an exorbitant amount for.  My hygienist, however, likes to tell me what I should be doing to my teeth, which annoys me.  I don't like being told what to do at the best of times and when she pulls out her plastic jaw and starts poking at it to explain how I should  be brushing my gums I feel like saying "how about you take my ninety five quid, polish my teeth, and dump the scolding?"

Anyway.  The point is I'd finished getting my lecture, and I was sat at the station waiting for my train.  I realised that the new refreshed Merseyrail app now tells you exactly where the train is, so I had a look, and I got a surprise.  It turns out some of the stations have what I'm going to call VirtuALFs next to their names.

Readers who've been here since the earliest days of the blog will remember that one thing I did when visiting all the Merseyrail stations was catalogue what I called the ALFs: the Attractive Local Feature boards.  (That's a name I made up by the way.  I still have no idea what their official name is).  They look like this:

The name of the station, a coloured band, and a local visitor attraction with a nice picture to get your attention.  They're found throughout the Merseytravel - sorry - Metro region, on the City Lines as well, and I love them.  They're a little bit of colour, a tempting reason to jump off the train, and they're plain nice.

The Merseyrail app now also lists Attractive Local Features next to some of the stations.  But what are these features, and what is their relevance to the station?  Are they relevant to the station?  Let's do some deep probing into the world of VirtuALFs via a long and overanalytical list!

AIGBURTH (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Otterspool

Our first stop is Aigburth in South Liverpool, and we're advised to alight here for Otterspool, Liverpool's waterside playground.  It's a handy walk from the station, it's a big attraction.  Yep.  This is what we want.

AINSDALE (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Ainsdale Beach

The beach is an easy stroll from the station.  It's also an absolute nightmare to park round there on a warm day so I can highly recommend taking the train.  (By the way, I'm doing this in alphabetical order by station, so it's just a very spooky coincidence that the first two are places with, shall we say, a reputation).

AINTREE (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Aintree Race Course

The only possible choice, of course, what with it being literally across the road from the station.  I will however object to the way they've split racecourse into two words.  Race.  Course.

BACHE (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Chester Zoo

This is our first slightly dodgy one.  Bache is the closest station to Chester Zoo, one of the premier attractions in the North West.  Getting there is not straightforward.  It's nearly two miles' walk from the station along a suburban street.  You can get a bus from the Liverpool Road, but that's a fair walk, and not immediately obvious.  There used to be a shuttle from the station but that was discontinued years ago.  It's not a bad shout, and it's certainly a better option than, say, Morrison's, but it's coming with caveats.

BEBINGTON (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Lady Lever Art Gallery

Bebington is handy for the northern part of Port Sunlight village, and Port Sunlight itself handy for the southern half.  It makes sense to split the tourists up by directing some to use this station and saves them putting "Port Sunlight" twice.

BIRKENHEAD CENTRAL (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Pyramids Shopping Centre

The Pyramids are, indeed, the other side of Borough Road from Central, just a couple of crossings away, so if you're looking for the Wimpy this is the ideal station to use.  I might have gone for Birkenhead Priory myself.  While it's a longer walk from the station - and not the most pedestrian friendly route - it's a unique attraction, instead of a shopping centre, and a historic feature that doesn't get enough love.  (It does have some odd opening hours though, so perhaps this is to avoid disappointment).

BIRKENHEAD NORTH (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Tam O'Shanter Urban Farm

This is indeed a lovely little attraction, but it does bury the lede that the farm is nestled within the Bidston Hill Country Park, whose features include the observatory and a windmill as well as acres of woodland and field.  You might perhaps think that it's because they've saved that for Bidston station itself, but actually, Bidston doesn't have a VirtuALF at all.  There's not even a mention of the interchange with the Borderlands Line for trains to Heswall and Wrexham.

BLUNDELLSANDS & CROSBY (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Crosby Beach

Crosby Beach is actually really long, so both Hall Road and Waterloo could put in bids for the beach; B&C is in the middle though so it gets the win.  Interestingly, there's no mention at all of Anthony Gormley's Another Place, a major tourist attraction; you could have put it at Waterloo if not here, but that's another station without any VirtuALF.

BOOTLE NEW STRAND (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Bootle Strand Shopping Centre

Bootle Strand is a shopping precinct across the road from New Strand station.  It has some shops in it.  You can visit if you like.  I wouldn't recommend it.

BRUNSWICK (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: TeamSport Go Karting

This is the first one I think flat out shouldn't be here.  Up until now we've either had major tourist attractions or shopping centres - places which are going to attract a lot of people and have a certain public interest value.  TeamSport Go Karting is a private company offering indoor racing; great fun, I'm sure, but hardly comparable with the Lady Lever.  It's as if Birkenhead Central had listed the Home and Bargain next to the station.  There's nothing much else you could list round here - perhaps the southern docks and marina? - so it didn't need one at all.

CHESTER (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Chester Racecourse

I get that it's difficult to summarise an entire town in one line.  The main reason a tourist goes to Chester is to see Chester itself, and sticking that under the station name would be confusing.  I do think that, for example, Chester Walls and Cathedral, or perhaps Roman City, would've been a better destination to highlight than the racecourse.  Especially since, unlike Aintree, this one's only one word.  If you're going to be wrong at least be consistently wrong.

FAZAKERLEY (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Aintree Hospital

The hospital is directly opposite the station and is a major resource in the north of the city, to the extent that most of the residents still call it "Fazakerley Hospital" even though it hasn't been called that for years.

FRESHFIELD (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Formby Beach

Like its brother at Ainsdale, Formby Beach is a major attraction that is best reached by rail rather than driving.  It's again arguable whether Freshfield or Formby itself is more convenient, but this is the quieter of the two stations so you can understand Merseyrail directing you there instead.

HAMILTON SQUARE (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Wilfred Owen Museum

This was a very small exhibition devoted to the World War One poet who came from Birkenhead, and was located in Argyle Street, the other side of the square from the station.  Please note the use of the past tense there, because not only is it not there any more, it actually moved in 2020, to West Kirby Arts Centre (although it may have closed since then, because the Facebook page hasn't been updated for over four years).  Hamilton Square is a far better station to see the historic Grade 1 listed square, as well as the Woodside Ferry Terminal, the U-Boat Museum, and the Wirral Transport Museum.  Ok, they're all closed for refurbishment at the moment but at least there are plans for them to come back.  The Wilfred Owen Museum is long gone.

HOOTON (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Wirral Way

The bottom end of the country park is pointed out at Hooton, and (spoilers) the top end appears at West Kirby, which is nice.  

HOYLAKE (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Royal Liverpool Golf Club

Absolutely the biggest attraction round here, but that's only really relevant when they hold the Open every decade or so.  Otherwise you're not getting in unless you've got a lot of money.

HUNTS CROSS (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Speke Hall

No-one in their right mind would use Hunts Cross to get to Speke Hall.  It's about three miles away.  It's a nasty walk along busy roads.  You'd have to skirt the edge of the airport.  It's possibly the closest nice place to Hunts Cross station, but you shouldn't be putting it on the app and implying it's convenient.

JAMES STREET (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Albert Dock and Pier Head

Our first city centre VirtuALF and absolutely the right one to list.  James Street is right on the waterfront and the closest station for the most famous sights in the city.  Bang on.

KIRKDALE (Northern Line) 

VirtuALF: Football Stadiums

Kirkdale is indeed the closest station to Goodison Park, although I personally wouldn't advise an innocent tourist to wander there through the back streets.  It's still a fair old walk to Anfield, mind.  Sandhills is actually where the Soccerbuses depart from on match days, and is also extremely close to Everton's new stadium in the docks, so this would probably be better at that station.

LEASOWE (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Leasowe Lighthouse

MORETON (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: North Wirral Coastal Park

I'm doing both of these at once because they've got the wrong VirtuALFs.  Both stations are handy for the North Wirral Coastal Park, which stretches between them, but, counterintuitively, Leasowe Lighthouse is actually closest to Moreton station.  It's a straight down the road while Leasowe station is another half a mile distant.  I'm imagining the programmer seeing Leasowe Lighthouse listed alongside Moreton station and thinking well that's clearly wrong, even though it's another of those delightful little foibles that make this country so annoying.

LIME STREET (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: none

I'll be covering some of the stations I think should have their own VirtuALFs at the end of this post (bet you can't wait) but I thought Lime Street was important enough to merit its own entry.  It is, after all, Lime Street Station.  Yes, there's interchange with the City Line - thank you for mentioning that - but there's also St George's Hall right over the road.  And the Empire Theatre.  And the Walker Art Gallery.  And the World Museum and the Library.  That's a whole load of world-class attractions a few steps from the station exit.  At least one of them should absolutely get a mention.

LITTLE SUTTON (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Georgian Quarter

I have no idea what this is.  Little Sutton is a large village outside Ellesmere Port.  It's got some pubs, some takeaways, a strip of shops and a garden centre.  It has been a settlement for a thousand years but it's pretty short on historic buildings and has virtually nothing pre-dating the 19th century.  A search for "Little Sutton Georgian Quarter" produced no results.  There is a Georgian Quarter in Liverpool; it's the area around the Anglican Cathedral and University, and includes a lot of fine white houses and elegant squares.  It is nowhere near Little Sutton.  If anyone can explain this one, I'm all ears.

LIVERPOOL CENTRAL (Northern and Wirral Lines)

VirtuALF: Bold St and Cathedrals

Central is convenient for a lot of the city centre - the name gives it away - but it makes sense that they try and guide you away from the shops and towards the cultural destinations instead.  It does mean that Liverpool One doesn't make a single appearance on the app.

LIVERPOOL SOUTH PARKWAY (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Liverpool John Lennon Airport

One of the reasons South Parkway was built in the first place was so it could act as a transport interchange to get you to the airport.  It's why it got such a grandiose building that combines rail and bus services; there was also meant to be a tram interchange that would take you right to the terminal.  As it is, you can get a local bus to your flight.

MOORFIELDS (Northern and Wirral Lines)

VirtuALF: The Cavern Quarter

There may be some who grumble about Liverpool piggybacking off the Beatles for tourist dollars; I'm not one of them.  Make your money where you can I say.  Get the Americans in to look at the Cavern then wow them with the rest of the city while they're here.  Definitely put down The Cavern Quarter as handy from Moorfields and collect those coins.

NEW BRIGHTON (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: New Brighton Beach

There's more to New Brighton that just the beach.  Unlike, say, Freshfield, there's a proper town here, with shops and cafes, plus the Floral Pavillion Theatre and the hipsterish Victoria Quarter.  Reducing it to the strip of sand seems reductive but it's what a lot of people come here for so fair enough.

 

OLD ROAN (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Footgolf Aintree

Another private leisure attraction that I don't totally agree with being on the app.  Not least because it's based at the Aintree Golf Course and is therefore closer to both Aintree and Fazakerley stations.  If you were going to list a commercial attraction here, the Odeon at Switch Island is closer, and there's the long strip of retail parks along the Ormskirk Road.  Rather that than "Footgolf".

ORMSKIRK (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Ormskirk Hospital

Poor Ormskirk should feel hard done-by.  It's a charming little market town, it's got a large popular university, there's historic buildings and a park.  It's a nice place to spend a day.  And it's got boiled down to the hospital, which isn't even handy for the station.  I might be biased, being a former resident, but it deserves better.

OVERPOOL (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Boulderhut

This is an indoor climbing centre on an industrial estate near the M53 and once again I don't agree with private businesses getting in on the act here.  On the plus side they appear to have changed their name to Climbing Hut and not informed Merseyrail so their appearance isn't much of an advert anyway.

PORT SUNLIGHT (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Port Sunlight Village

This is what Ormskirk and Chester should've got.  You know that historic place of the same name as the station?  It's here.  Knock yourself out.

ROCK FERRY (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Tranmere Rovers

It's a fair walk from Rock Ferry to Prenton Park - you could make a legitimate case that Birkenhead Central is a better place to get off the train - but there's nothing else in Rock Ferry you'd want to look at so we'll let them have it.  

SANDHILLS (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Awesome Walls

The VirtuALF at Sandhills rightly recognises its Awesome Walls, a series of ancient brick constructions erected around the same time as Hadrian's and dividing the city... of course I'm joking.  Awesome Walls is another rock climbing centre, this time inside a converted church.  As I said back at Kirkdale, the Soccerbuses depart from this station for the football, so you could've had that; alternatively the Stanley Dock and the Leeds and Liverpool Canal are within walking distance.  But no, you've got a climbing centre.

SOUTHPORT (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Southport Beach and Pier

Another great place to visit reduced to a single attraction, Southport's beach is at least a big reason for its popularity, though I'd say there are plenty of others.  The Pier, meanwhile, is currently closed for health and safety reasons and may never reopen.  Let's hope that Merseyrail have put it on the app because they believe it will come back one day.

SPITAL (Wirral Line)

VirtuALF: Dibbinsdale Nature Reserve

The Dibbinsdale is a surprisingly large stretch of wood and water in South Wirral.  I once found myself wandering around it by chance and it's a really nice place to visit; you wouldn't believe there were factories and homes metres away.  Bromborough Rake station is actually located virtually inside the reserve - turn left out of the station and you're there - but the main visitor's areas are closer to Spital.

ST MICHAELS (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Festival Gardens and Sefton Park

It couldn't be anything else, could it?  St Michaels is slap bang between two of the city's great green spaces and is handy for both.  You could've chucked Lark Lane in there as well but that would've been showing off.

WALTON (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Rice Lane City Farm

Much like the confusion at Leasowe, Rice Lane City Farm is actually closer to Walton than Rice Lane station, so they get the VirtuALF.  Part of me hoped it'd have Liverpool Prison but that's not great for tourism I guess.

WEST KIRBY (Northern Line)

VirtuALF: Hilbre Island and Wirral Way

Another seaside town reduced to its natural features, these are a good pair to have on your side.  Hilbre Island is beautiful and the Wirral Way is a great walk.  There's a lot more to this dinky little spot than that - why not visit and find out?

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That's the list of the stations that have got VirtuALFs and you may have noticed a few curious omissions.  Some of Merseyside's great "villages" are nowhere to be seen - no Formby, no Wallasey, no Maghull, Birkdale or Bromborough.  I'm not saying you'd want to have a day out in Kirkby but it getting a grand total of zero reasons to visit feels like a slap in the face.  Conway Park, which serves the north of Birkenhead town centre, including its famous market, is not there and, bafflingly, neither is Birkenhead Park.  I know the main attraction's in the name but so is Port Sunlight and that still got a VirtuALF - there could at least be a mention of the Birkenhead Park Visitor's Centre.  I've already mentioned the lack of Waterloo and Bidston, and it seems strange to me that connections with the City lines are flagged but not with Northern services at Ormskirk and Headbolt Lane and so on.  This information is elsewhere in the map but a simple British Rail symbol might be nice.  

As with the ALFs themselves the implementation seems to be hit and miss.  I like it as a concept; it's always nice to give someone a reason to get off the train, and to invite journeys that wouldn't otherwise have made.  I do find some of the choices baffling however.

(And I managed to get all the way to the end without pointing out that some of the stations have black circles on the diagram and some have black circles with white centres and there seems to be no rhyme or reason why.  Phew!)

(Oh).