How New Train Lines Are Funded

Interior of the Department of Transport.  The Minister sits on a large throne.  

Enter the Chief Executive of a Regional Council.

MINISTER: Speak.

CHIEF EXEC: Hello your honour.  I come from the provinces.  We'd quite like to reopen a railway line into our biggest city.  It used to be a freight line, so all the track is there.  We need five stations and four trains.  It'll cost a billion pounds.  Can I have the money please?

MINISTER: I'll give you a tenner.

CHIEF EXEC: Haha, that's funny.

MINISTER: ?????

CHIEF EXEC:  No, it'll cost a billion pounds.

MINISTER: I'll give you a hundred million.

CHIEF EXEC: We can't build anything for that.

MINISTER: Alright, fifty million.

CHIEF EXEC: That's not how negotiating works.

MINISTER: One hundred million but you can only have two stations and no trains.

CHIEF EXEC: How do we run a railway without trains?

MINISTER: Well that's your problem.

CHIEF EXEC: We need a billion pounds.

MINISTER: Three hundred million, two stations and one train.  You're killing me here.

CHIEF EXEC: If there are only two stations it won't be cost effective.

MINISTER: Alright three.  But none of them can have lifts.

CHIEF EXEC: What about disabled people?

MINISTER: Fuck 'em.

CHIEF EXEC: Five hundred million, three stations, and lifts, and two trains. 

MINISTER: Also the service can't terminate in the city.

CHIEF EXEC: But that's the whole point of it! 

MINISTER: Yeah, but then we have to find room for your train in the big terminus.  It's a whole hassle.  It can stop out on the edge of town and people can change.

CHIEF EXEC: That'll mean it won't be as effective and the passenger numbers will be lower.

MINISTER: It'll be cheaper though.

CHIEF EXEC: Ok. Five hundred million, three stations, and lifts, and two trains.

MINISTER: Sorry, it's four hundred million now.  You'll have to find the last hundred million yourself.

CHIEF EXEC: Why?

MINISTER: Fancied it.

CHIEF EXEC: The Council Tax payers won't like it.

MINISTER: Oh, you can't put up Council Tax.  You'll have to cut something.  Those disabled people are getting lifts now.  Get rid of some of their services.  It all balances out.

CHIEF EXEC: Fine.  

MINISTER: Great doing business with you.

CHIEF EXEC: You do realise I'll be back in five years asking for the rest of the money to finish the project, only it'll cost twice as much by then?

MINISTER: It's alright, I won't be here in five years.

CHIEF EXEC: Also I have this bypass I want to build that costs two billion pounds?

MINISTER: Hand me my rubber stamp.