Showing posts with label Nottingham. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nottingham. Show all posts

Monday, 8 October 2018

Notty, But Nice

You let me down, nerds.

The comments used to be full of people demanding I go places.  "When are you visiting x?"  "Why haven't you done y?"  There was such pressure on me to visit Yarm I actively avoided it.

And yet Ilkeston?  Not a word.  It's been open since April 2017 and nobody has said "when are you going to Ilkeston?"  No-one.  Shame on you all.


I decided to finally right this wrong and took an early train to the beautiful Nottingham station.  It was a relief to see that it was more or less intact.  The videos of the fire that hit it in January this year had looked apocalyptic.  There were a few signs from East Midlands Trains asking for your patience while things were sorted out, but I couldn't see anything cataclysmic.  Certainly the wonderfully restored booking hall looked just as good as it had when I'd visited three years ago.


I like Nottingham.  It's a really good second-tier city, and I'm not using "second-tier" as an insult in anyway.  It's not Premier League like Manchester or Liverpool or Bristol; it's a large, historic city that's made its mark.  It has some beautiful buildings and charming streets.  It works.


I followed the dual carriageway round the edge of the city centre, heading for the Ilkeston Road.  I'd decided to walk all the way out to the new station rather than simply take the train there and come back.  It'd be more interesting, I thought, and justify the two and a half hour journey to Nottingham.  How is that still a thing, incidentally?  You take a train for two and a half hours and you're still only in the Midlands.  More electric trains now, please. 


It was ten in the morning, and the streets were mainly filled with students.  So many students.  Still excited at their new studies, still enthusiastic, still actually getting out of bed before lunch.  They clustered together, little knots of new friends finding their way around, not realising that they'd all have new pals by Christmas and wouldn't talk to these losers again.  I latched onto some bloke in Fresher's Week and we were friends until about Bonfire Night.  We had literally nothing in common beside the fact that we knew nobody else and we happened to be in the same induction class.  I think it was a relief to both of us when we stopped talking.

It had been a steady climb up a hill out of the centre, and I paused at the top to catch my breath.  Ahead of me was the stretch of the city, out into the countryside.  It looked far.  I'd worked out my route on the map - eight miles, two and a half hours, easy - but seeing it from there caught in my throat.  That was a fair old walk.  I might have reconsidered then, turned back to the station, but a white man with dreadlocks appeared at the edge of my vision, walking back the way I came.  His dreadlocks went down to his waist.  It was quite repellent, and I realised I couldn't walk behind that, so I carried on out of town.


Fortunately the road was straight and well-maintained and interesting.  It was the outer band of the city, the circle between the prestige of the centre and the rarefied suburbs, with ethnic shops and engineering firms and small backstreets.  Asian grocers and barbers, redbrick houses, a slight whiff of drains and litter underfeet.  Where there were building works it was to throw up four storeys of student accommodation.  There were a lot of flyers for club nights, desperate to catch the new influx of 18 year olds with cheap drink promotions. 


The other thing there was a lot of was buses.  I don't know who is in charge of public transport at Nottingham City Council but they deserve a knighthood.  I saw frequent, efficient bus services pass me over and over that morning, calling at clean and well-maintained bus stops with a clear network map to help you.  That's without mentioning the tram network, which recently got a second branch and is one of the most successful in Britain, or the effective smart card network which covers buses, trams, and trains.


OK, yes, it's called the Robin Hood Network and that's a bit overdone, but if you've got an internationally renowned mythological figure tied to your city, why not exploit it?  The cards are available from shops and from on-street vending machines, they can be topped up with pay as you go at the same machines, and there's an app to let you keep track of your balance.  This is all fantastic.  I hate to keep banging on about it, but Merseyside's Walrus still splutters on ineffectively, tied to PayPoints and only hosting a minimal spread of ticket types.  Sort.  It.  Out.


A large complex of halls of residence were accompanied by a shopping plaza that had everything a student could possibly need: Aldi, Domino's Pizza, Greggs, Subway.  Chuck in a Bargain Booze and maybe, because it's 2018, a vape store, and they didn't need to walk more than twenty yards to do their entire shop.  Then it was over the railway line and onto a huge double roundabout at the spot where the Wollaton Road met lengthy green boulevards flanked by sturdy council houses.


It was still early, so the Crown was closed, morning light glinting off the gold, and I walked along a long strip of pre-war semis.  Each one identical, white with a red roof, fake Tudor beams on the front, a tidy wall with trees.  They stretched away into the distance: a welcome parade for suburbia. 


I was getting hungry.  I'd been up since 5am; the train had left at 6:47 and the trolley hadn't turned up until after Sheffield, by which time I was too furious to order anything.  I'd bought a hoisin duck wrap at the station's Co-op for my lunch and now, even though it was barely 11am, I gobbled it up.  It's not a great look, a fat bloke jamming food into his mouth mid-morning, hoisin sauce dripping down his fingers, but I'd walked nearly three miles on a single yoghurt eaten six hours before.  I wiped antibacterial gel all over my Chinese scented fingertips and glugged some water.


By now I was on a quiet side road, paralleling the main carriageway but separated from it by a row of trees.  The traffic was heard but not seen.  It was bin day, and a little old lady was working her way down the street.  I saw her from a distance, dragging her wheelie into her driveway, and felt a pang of guilt; that pang vanished when I realised it wasn't her bin at all.  She was moving from house to house, angrily pulling the wheelie bins off the pavement and dumping them on the driveways, muttering to herself as she did so.  It was a wide, quiet path - there was plenty of room to get round the emptied bins - but she was clearly determined to make a point.


It was all incredibly pleasant and safe; as if to underline its relentlessly middle-class environment, a Waitrose turned up on my right, along with one of those hand car washes that plasters itself in Union flags in a way that seems to be making a Brexit-y point.  You'll get none of those dedicated, working hard for the money Eastern Europeans here, it says; just a load of lazy Brits who are filled with resentment and who'll scratch your Volvo.


At this point I received a visitor: anxiety.  I had a train booked from Nottingham at about three o'clock.  That was four hours away, and I'd already done half the walk to Ilkeston.  I had plenty of time to stroll out there.

But still: anxiety.  That nervous, internal tap-tap-tap on my skull.  The whispered voice in my head. Are you sure?  Are you positive?  What if you're late?  Tap-tap-tap.  I ran through scenarios, involuntarily, a Cassandra forced to see the doomed future.  Missed trains.  Stranded miles from home.  Forced to buy a new ticket at walk up prices.  No seat reservation.  Busy rush hour services.

Over and over they went in my head.  I felt my pace quicken, my breath shorten, as I tried to amp up my walk.  I was grimly aware that I was reaching the very edge of the city.  Beyond here there would be countryside; no chance of getting an emergency taxi, no people to ask directions, maybe not even a phone signal.  I pictured myself sweaty, desperate, lost, my reserved seat sliding out of Nottingham station with me miles away.

The anxiety won.  I couldn't walk any more.  I couldn't.


My walk out of the city had been regularly accompanied by the bright yellow buses of Trentbarton's Two line.  They'd whizzed past every ten minutes, looking impossibly cheery under the stark blue sky, and I finally caved and waited for one.  I fingered a handful of coins, filled with my usual nerves at having to deal with a surly bus driver.


Once again, Nottingham came up trumps.  The driver greeted me with a cheery "hello mate!".  He took my payment without complaint (Merseyside's drivers frequently roll their eyes when you ask for a ticket rather than wave a pass, because it means they have to do some work).  He waited until I sat down before starting the bus.  He was great.  He was like that with everyone who boarded.  The pensioners, the young mums, the - let's say eccentric middle-aged men.  Across the way, two men getting the most out of their bus pass were doing a little travel challenge of their own.  There was an A-Z open on their lap, and one man fingered the route as we traveled.

And the bus itself was great: clean, leatherette seats, an automated voice announcing the next stop so you could keep track of where you were headed.  The driver was fast but not crazy as we went through country lines, over the county line into Derbyshire, and into Ilkeston itself.  I disembarked at the bus exchange thoroughly impressed and feeling a lot jollier than if I'd walked, which is exactly the feeling you should have whenever you ride public transport.  Well done, Trentbarton.  Though I refuse to call you trentbarton as your website tries to make me; proper nouns have capital letters round here, thank you very much.


It also meant I got to spend more time in Ilkeston, which turned out to be a delightful little town.  It was certainly rough round the edges.  Much of its previous wealth had been industry based, with coal works and steelworks nearby, and they were of course gone.  You could feel the undercurrent of deprivation in the pound shops and the bargain stores, the slight edge of poverty in the clothes of the passers by, the whisper that this was a town that struggled.  But it still carried itself proudly.  There was a wonderful market square beneath the church, some pretty buildings, a tiny cinema that had probably started showing Laurel and Hardy films and hadn't stopped.


It also had one of the highest concentrations of Goths I've seen outside Whitby on Hallowe'en.  I'm not sure why this innocuous East Midlands town had such a large population of servants of the dead, but they seemed to be everywhere, hunkering through the streets in ones and twos.  Black clad, pale, their shoulders rounded, their hair whistling around them in the autumn breezes.  They didn't attract attention at all.  I like Goths; I've known a few in my time, and they have been without exception some of the sweetest, gentlest people I have ever met.  I would rather be on a night bus full of Robert Smiths and Siouxsie Siouxs than a load of laughing, happy "normal" teenagers.  Ilkeston's were no exception.  There was something weirdly charming about a teenage lad in a torn rock t-shirt, black skinny jeans and pierced face happily chatting to an old man smoking a ciggie outside the pub.


I had a bit of a wander round, then headed north for the station.  At one point Ilkeston had three railway stations: a junction station on the Midland Main Line, with a small branch heading into a town terminus, plus a third station to the north on the now mothballed Derby-Nottingham line.  One by one they closed, until that man Beeching finally put paid to Ilkeston Junction in 1967.  It left the town of more than thirty thousand people without a rail connection to the nearby prosperous city, and was obviously a ridiculous state of affairs.

Still, it took fifty years for a new station to open on the edge of town.  Construction was delayed by financial concerns, by reports of flooding, and by the discovery of a load of rare newts, but it finally opened in April 2017 on more or less the same site as the old Junction station.


I decided not to follow the obvious route along Station Road and instead walked up Bath Street.  This was where Ilkeston Town railway station had once been.  It's now been completely obliterated by a by-pass, with only a wagon on the roundabout giving any hint that there used to be a railway here. 


I called into the Tesco superstore that now occupied the majority of the station site, partly to pay homage to the history, but mainly to have a wee, then walked out of town.  As was to be expected, what had once been railway lands had been filled in the last few decades by undistinguished developments: Halfords, KFC, a 24 hour McDonalds.  There was a brief recreation ground, then I was following Millership Way, a clunkily-named road laid on the route of the branch line.


Cross a canal, and there it was, a long time coming for the town and for me: Ilkeston railway station.


It's nothing special.  Just a couple of platforms with a car park.  There's no ticket office - there are machines - and as usual the most dominant architectural features are the wheelchair ramps.  But it's there.  Fifty years after it vanished, it's back, and it's helping the town get that little bit of connectivity and investment.


It was popular too.  Not just with passengers, though there were plenty of those; about half a dozen people boarded the train alongside me, which isn't bad for a Tuesday afternoon.  It was also popular with train nerds.  There was me, of course, larking about with my camera like an idiot.  On the overbridge there was a man with a long lens pointed down the track, ready to snap a photo of the freight services that skirt the station on a passing line.  And on the opposite platform was a man taking lots of shots of the station.  He even had a stool to sit on.  It amused me to think that we're both station nerds, and we've both got photos with each other in it, and we'll never know who the other one is.  Trains that pass in the night.


(Incidentally, I got back to Nottingham station with over an hour to spare, and had to spend all that time loitering on the platform.  Thanks anxiety!)

Saturday, 31 October 2015

Riding Through The Glen

How do you wash the taste of sexism and grease out of your mouth?  RAIL RELATED ANTICS OF COURSE!


Nottingham really shouldn't have trams.  I mean, Liverpool hasn't got them.  Nor has Glasgow, Cardiff, Belfast, Newcastle.  Even London's only got a few, squirreled away in Croydon.  There are bigger, more important cities that should be higher on the list.

It has a network thanks to two reasons.  Firstly, good timing: it managed to have its plans ready to go for that very brief period of time when the Labour government loved trams, in the late nineties.  Secondly, it had a council who was absolutely committed to the scheme and willing to push it through.  Nottingham's city and county councils were totally on board with the tram concept, unlike say, in Liverpool, where boroughs who wouldn't benefit from Merseytram were able to vote down the idea.  (Damn you, Wirral).

The result was an instantly successful network, the Nottingham Express Transit or NET.  It was so successful, plans for extensions were quickly approved, and two new routes to the south of the city opened this year.


Everything about the system oozes class and style.  You buy a ticket before boarding - no Supertram-style conductors here - then board a swift, silent tram that glides through the city centre.


I rode out to David Lane, to the north of the city centre, where it splits into two branches, then turned round and went back into the city again.


And I haven't even mentioned the new tram vehicles, which are sexy as hell.  There are older ones, slightly boxy like the trams in Manchester, but the new Nottingham trams look like science fiction vehicles.  Pointed fronts with a centrally positioned driver, like a lost Thunderbird.  Even that deep green colour is damnably attractive.


I returned to the city centre and found, perhaps, the ideal English town.  It was big, but not overwhelming.  Busy but not a crush.  There were extravagant moments of civic pride, like the Old Market Square, a European-style open plaza surrounded by shops with the elaborate Council House at one end.


The streets around it mixed new build with heritage, plus the occasional moment of local colour, like the statue of Brian Clough.


It was what you wanted from a town centre.  There were restaurant quarters and high-class districts, a big ugly mall (the Victoria Centre - she would not be amused), a beautiful theatre.


And, of course, there's Robin Hood.  Anyone who thinks that Liverpool harps on about the Beatles too much should travel to Nottingham and see their obsession; even a local utilities company, handing out flyers in the Old Market Square, was called Robin Hood Energy.  At least John, Paul, George and Ringo were real.


I crossed over Maid Marian Way - an unlovely dual carriageway that slices through the city centre; they make the typical English mistakes as well - and walked up to the Castle.


Regular readers will know I am extremely cheap, and so there was no way I was going to pay to take a look round the Castle, not least because it was nearly five o'clock.  They also appeared to be setting up for some kind of event; I strongly suspect that was Robin Hood related as well.


I crossed back by some wonderfully 1960s buildings, passing a cat cafe - yes, the type that lets you pet a kitten while you have a coffee, and no, I didn't go in; I'm a dog person - and did another circuit.


Nottingham didn't cause palpitations like Newcastle or Sheffield do; it was rather more small scale.  I felt like I'd seen most of its charms.   This is not to denigrate it in any way; what I saw mostly lovely.  I decided to have a pint and a sit down, and settled on the Lord Roberts, a theatre themed gay pub.  Posters of West End productions adorned its walls.


It was charming, quiet, interesting.  It was Nottingham.

Monday, 26 October 2015

Tits, and an Ass

I'm thinking of starting a petition.  Perhaps one of those 38 Degrees campaigns.  It's called, "get Nottingham off the Northern Rail map".

 
It doesn't belong.  This is a NORTHERN map, not "NORTHERN, plus some bits of the Midlands".  I mean, Stoke-on-Trent is pushing it.  Nottingham is the Midlands and it has no place on that map.  And don't even get me started on Derby.  "Limited Service" - yes, mainly limited to driving me into a RAGE.

Still, while it is on the map, I had to visit.  Fortunately there is a direct Liverpool-Nottingham train; less fortunately, it takes three hours to get there.  This is a ludicrous state of affairs.  If you want to travel north-south in this country, you move faster than Concorde on speed; go east-west, and you'd best have packed a good book.


To add a positive note to what has, so far, been a slightly fractious blog post: Nottingham station is great.  It's recently had an overhaul in connection with the tram extensions, and it's worked very well.  Walk down the incredibly long platforms and you pass red platform buildings, carefully restored.


Because it's principally a "through" station, Nottingham doesn't have the opportunity to dazzle arrivals with an ostentatious roof or a staggering display of fretwork.  Instead, when you climb the stairs to the station building, you get a beautiful space.


It's wonderfully open and light.  The tiles on the walls, while extremely practical, also add a gleam to the ticket hall.


The building dates from 1904, surprisingly late for such an important station, and it definitely feels more modern than its slightly overbearing Victorian cousins.  That clock, for example, is understated elegance.

The redevelopment works have helped with that feeling of openness.  The front of the station was a porte-cochere; very handy for pausing with your coach and horses, a bit of a dead space in the 21st century.  As happened at Newcastle, the front has now been glassed over, meaning that the retail outlets don't crowd into the ticket hall.


The coffee shops and Morrison's Local cluster here, leaving the area for railway customers uncluttered.  It means you can stare up at that magnificent clock tower without getting wet in the rain.


The terracotta tiled frontage is just as impressive, though you have to dart across a busy road to get a decent look.


The works are still ongoing to fully restore the look of the station.  I love that this is how we're rejuvenating our cities; turn to the railway stations and make them better.  Make people love them.


As usual, my main complaint is the poor quality of the signage.  I found the British Rail totem behind hoardings at the worksite end of the station; I suspect it'll be taken down soon.


Chin-chin.

After my three hour train journey, I was tired and hungry, and I needed some food to pep me up before I started exploring the city.  Luckily, there was somewhere to eat just round the corner.


Hooters is an American chain of restaurants whose emphasis is on chicken wings, beers, sports and, of course, women with large breasts.  You can see why I'd want to visit.


Actually, the idea of Hooters has long fascinated me, because I don't understand it.  I don't understand why you'd want to visit a restaurant where the waitresses are big-boobed.  A strip club, yes; you get to see naked people.  A regular restaurant, yes; you get to eat good food.  I don't understand why you'd want to go to a place just because of cleavage.  The girls aren't going to take their tops off, so it's not like you're going to get a thrill.  They're just going to walk around with breasts, and I don't know if you knew this, but all women have breasts.  Regular waitresses in normal ordinary cafes have breasts, and they are just as likely to whip up their shirt and reveal their nipples to you as the girls in Hooters - i.e. they absolutely won't.

(I should add that this inability to understand is not based on my general lack of interest in boobs in general.  If there was a restaurant where all the waiters were hunks in g-strings, I still wouldn't understand why people would want to eat there.)

Adding to the fascination is the fact that Nottingham is Hooters' sole UK branch.  They've tried in other places, Cardiff, for example, and they were horrible flops and soon closed.  Which makes me proud to be British, to be frank.  Nottingham, however, manages to cling on there, and is actually one of the biggest restaurants in the chain.  I had to visit it, really.

Normally I'd feel awkward about eating alone, but I figured Hooters was the kind of place that regularly got lonely male diners.  My waitress showed me to my seat and I took a look at the laminated menu, trying not to think too much about the roll of kitchen paper on the end of the bench.  I guessed it was for tidying up after eating sticky chicken wings, but in this kind of place, who knows?


The building that housed Hooters was a converted Victorian warehouse, but you wouldn't have known that from the inside.  Here it was all pine paneling and road signs and pictures of girls in bikinis; it was like being inside the bedroom of an American teenage boy circa 1983.

The waitress came over to take my order, and I was took great care to look her straight in the eyes.  She was wearing a tight white t-shirt, cut low to flash her monumental cleavage, and ridiculously tiny orange shorts over tights that made her legs look shiny.  It was a warm day for October, but it was still autumn in the UK: she must have been freezing.  She took my order, and called me "darling", and I felt a little ill.

I live in the north.  I'm used to people calling me "love" and "dear" and "sweetheart".  It's a vocal tick and it's nice.  Here, though, it felt forced and cheap.  "Darling" isn't something British people say, unless it's in a romantic situation.


I looked around at my fellow punters.  There were a couple of tables of lads, and three men who looked like they were taking a break from a sales conference.  What shocked me was there were women.  Two male-female couples, tucking into curly fries.  I tried to imagine a circumstance in which any of my women friends would willingly eat in a breastaurant, and all I could think of was "hostage situation".  How do you have that conversation with your significant other?  "Let's get some lunch, preferably somewhere I can ogle the waitresses."  I would have judged them, but they were probably looking at me and assuming I was a sex pervert, so it was a wash really.


I wasn't enjoying myself.  What had seemed like an amusing little sidetrip when I was in Liverpool had ended up making me anxious and sick.  I was most concerned with letting the waitress know that I wasn't even slightly interested in treating them as sex objects.  Every time she came over, to give me my cutlery or to bring me my food, I made sure my eyes were at least one foot above her nipples.  Which is difficult, because even if you're a big gay, if a woman is thrusting her breasts at you it's very hard to avoid them.  I'd look her right in the eye, then panic that she'd think I was one of those weird patrons who was trying to CONNECT with her on a very deep level, and then I'd end up shifting my gaze elsewhere and stare at a pot plant or something.


As for the food... it was desperately ordinary.  I decided to forgo the "world famous wings" - "fresh, never frozen" - and went with the Western BBQ burger.  It tasted like a Wetherspoons burger.  That's no disrespect to Wetherspoons - it's plain, decent food for a fiver, with a drink thrown in - but this was a tenner, and you had to pay extra for chips.  Not chips, curly fries: lukewarm twists of potato that were soggy, not crunchy.  I trudged through it, forcing each mouthful.  It wasn't helped by the other waitress - a blonde, while mine had been a brunette - coming over to ask "is everything alright for you darling?" and bending right over the table so that, if I wanted, I could have stared right down her top.  I may have yelped in terror at that point.  I finished the food as soon as I could and, after a stop in possibly the worst bathroom I have ever seen outside of a Starbucks, I paid up and left.


I left Hooters with two over-arching impressions.  The first was surprise at how dated it all was.  Everything about it was Porky's, when it should have been Superbad.  The waitress's outfits (white socks with white trainers?  Really?), the stripped pine, the food - it was all revoltingly naff.  Even the jukebox played mainly 80s and early 90s hits with, bizarrely, the exception of Budapest by George Ezra, which they played twice.

My second impression was how unsexy it was.  I thought it would be cheeky, a bit risque, a bit of a laugh.  It wasn't that at all.  It was deadly serious about how sexy it was, which, paradoxically, made it incredibly grim.  It should have been Carry On, but it ended up as grinding hardcore amateur pornography where no-one is having fun.

Actually there was a third impression: I never, ever, want to go back.