Conspiracy Theory

Merseyrail flip flops. Sorry, I had to start with that, because, ladies and gentlemen, I'm now the top result for that particular Google search, and I want to keep it that way. Haha! In your face, Liverpool Echo!

It's also vaguely relevant as that was the post where I talked about the Merseyrail key ring I'd received as a kind gift of their publicity department. That key ring was a tiny rubber version of Merseyrail unit 508 110, and I mentioned that I now had a sub-mission to find that particular train and get a picture of myself in front of it. Possibly grinning and sticking my thumbs up.

However, I received a message from a person who wishes to remain anonymous. I've chosen to call him Deep Throat (as an homage to the Watergate informer, not Linda Lovelace). He instructed me to meet him in a secluded corner of an underground car park, where water dripped from the ceiling and rats scurried in the shadows. I attended of course, because I've never knowingly turned down an assignation with a random stranger, and there he passed over a brown Manilla envelope. I didn't see his face - the shadows were too dramatic and moody - but I got the hint of a distinguished profile, and caught a smattering of expensive aftershave.

Deep Throat's envelope contained a photograph. He hissed, in a voice that was so husky it made Christian Bale sound like Joe Pasquale, "508 110 is actually the one that has been used for all of the publicity material for years and years, being on the cover of timetables and anything else produced. It was even the first of the completed refurbished vehicles and had to go back as it had several experimental features that were not used, so had to be removed from this one, to make identical to the rest."

I couldn't resist. I didn't want to antagonise him, but I had to know. "What kind of experimental features?"

Deep Throat took a long deep drag on his cigarette. I glanced nervously over my shoulder, as we were in an enclosed space and therefore smoking is illegal. I was risking a fine, and possibly catching lung cancer through passive smoking. Like Roy Castle, but without the trumpet. He didn't seem keen to step out of the shadows as he whispered, "Have you got the book by T B Maund ... Merseyrail, The Inside Story?"

"Of course," I said. "Not to hand, obviously. We're in a car park. My copy's at home somewhere... Unfortunately I'm not sure where. We're rearranging the books in the study at the moment. It's very exciting actually; fiction will be arranged alphabetically by surname, while I'm hoping to use a modified version of the Dewey decimal system for non-fiction -"

"Enough!" he rasped. He took a long, slow lungfull of cigarette; I heard the paper crackle. "The front of the train was much more yellow than became the norm..."

A squeal of brakes, and a Ford Focus was behind me. For a second Deep Throat was illuminated, but he threw a hand up over his face to protect his anonymity, then vanished into a fire exit. He was gone, and I was left with a picture and no further clues.

Here it is then; the famous train, pictured at Birkenhead North. I'll continue to hunt for it, but at least I now have sight of my quarry. It will be mine.

Things That Make You Go "Oooh!"

A few days ago, I was sarcastic about Merseytravel because they wouldn't send me any nice pictures but they were happy to plaster them all over the walls of Liverpool Central. Sarcasm really is the lowest form of wit, and I should have risen above it. Besides, the jokes weren't really that good.

Anyway, I'd like to make it clear that my beef was with Merseytravel, not Merseyrail. Merseyrail were lovely; their Customer Relations lady replied quickly, personally and was very very nice.

Also, they sent me stuff. Yay! I didn't expect it at all, and I certainly wouldn't have dreamt of asking for it, but those lovely people at Merseyrail sent me some little gifts which I'm presenting here for you, to try and make you jealous. I know that's a bit childish but screw it: I got Merseygifts and you didn't, so nur-nur-nur.

First up, we have a marvelous mouse mat and a couple of pens. This isn't the mouse mat that they use in the stations (one of which recently turned up on eBay; I'm not saying it was stolen or anything by an unscrupulous member of the station staff, just mentioning it in passing) but is instead a corporate mouse mat with the aims and aspirations of the company on it. There's a whole branch for customers, you'll be glad to hear; more excitingly, under "service" it lists "new rolling stock", "M to Go" and "Smart Card", all of which make me do a little happy dance. Something to look forward to. And you can never have enough pens.

Next, is a lovely Merseyrail train key ring, here displayed with the mass of metal I have to carry round with me. Trainspotters: it's number 508110, and I now have a sub-mission to find this train somewhere on the network, and possibly photograph it, or even better, me in front of it holding the key ring up and beaming. If that isn't crossing too far into anorak territory. Oh, who am I kidding? I crossed that line years ago.

Yes, that is a Lego Catwoman key ring beside it. It's Lego and it's Catwoman: two of the greatest things in humanity combined in one key ring. Awesome.

From here, we move on to the travel mug, which is absolutely lovely. Lovingly embossed with "Merseyrail" on one said, and "M to Go" on the other, this will be the perfect vessel for my lattes next time I'm out and about on the rails. Do Starbucks still do that thing where you get money off if you provide your own mug? Caramel macchiatos on the move sounds good to me.

The final item is the real doozy, I have to say. In fact, it's so good, it inspired me to break out the shorts and do my best Man at C&A modeling. Here's my attempt at Miss Tyra, America's Next Model posing: if I'd had more time I'd have broken out a fierce weave and a finger snap as well.

Look past my hairy shins and you'll see that I am, in fact, wearing Merseyrail flip-flops. How amazing is that? Not just that I have a pair of them, but that there was someone in Rail House who sat down and said, "you know what we need to do? What we haven't done so far? Combined the world of rail franchises with leisure footwear. That would be amazing."

Frankly this little parcel is the best gift I've received all year, and certainly better than any of the crap I got for my birthday and most appreciated. It's so nice when a corporate behemoth turns out to be human and, more importantly, so human it gives me stuff. It's really made me smile.

For future reference: I am very, very easily bought. Know this now. If there's anyone out there who fancies currying my favour, send me stuff. I have no shame. No scruples. I'll do anything. I am a corporate whore, and proud of it!